I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
