im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
