I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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