ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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