Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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