I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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