the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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