So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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