I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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