Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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