I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
