Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
