I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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