Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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