chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
