dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
