I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
