I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
