Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
