Will you blow on my dice?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
