Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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