I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
