true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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