I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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