we have pet lesbian snakes
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
