Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
