ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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