When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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