Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
