Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
