I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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