u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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