I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
