she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
