i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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