My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
