On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
