I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
