Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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