You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
