so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
