if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
