Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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