Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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