he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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