sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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