dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
