did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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