its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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