This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
