Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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