I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
