Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How naked do you want me to be?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
