No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
