Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
