We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
