So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
