I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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