Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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